I’m furious right now. I went on Instagram an hour ago, because I had read a Cosmo article about plus-size models in bikinis, typed the hashtag ‘beachbodynotsorry’ in and started browsing all the photos.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m so jealous of these women’s confidence and yes, why shouldn’t women go to the beach and wear bikinis and feel good about themselves? Well, I don’t know. I really don’t. I haven’t worn a bikini in public for ages, but hey, I’m going to Rhodes in 10 days and, as I’ve already mentioned it, I’m planning to get a proper tan this time. At this moment, though, I could cry just from the thought of being on a beach and have people see me with no clothes on.
Also, they say that they are ‘real women’. I mean, yeah, sure, you definitely are real, but let’s face it, 95% of these girls in these photos have an unhealthy weight. A few weeks ago, the whole internet blew up after that people magazine cover, featuring Tess Holiday. I think we’ve really gone too far with this. You’ve all heard me before, saying that how important it is to accept and love yourself, and yes, overweight people should live a full life too, but there’s a big difference between ‘too big for the media-generated beauty ideal’ and being unhealthy. It’s not about feeling ashamed of wearing shorts anymore. It leads to heart conditions and being unable to give birth and a lot more, but I don’t want to talk about this right now.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m so happy that they can live in peace with who they are, but nobody’s talking about real real women. Isn’t it me, who is a real woman? I don’t eat much, and I don’t eat especially unhealthy food. Of course I eat a lot of chocolate at Easter, I sometimes order pizza, when we’re having a movie night with friends, and yes, I eat ice cream frequently in the summertime. Is this a sin? I also play tennis. It’s just once in a week, but it’s there. I go to the gym sometimes and I do pilates at home. Isn’t this normal? I don’t exercise until I sweat blood, and I don’t starve myself. I am not skinny. Not at all, but does any of these mean that I’m not normal and real?
Why do I have to hate myself? I have no problem with myself, when I’m sitting home alone. I despise girls with sexy bodies and no brains, because I envy them. Because you can’t be happy in this world without having someone by your side, and there won’t be anybody if you look like that, because we all have so freaking high standards. I hate girls, who look better than me, because I’m jealous, and I hate girls, who look worse than me, but still wear short clothes and bikinis. I hate myself the most, because I’m not either of them.
I’m furious, because one very important rule in my life is that I don’t want to be like everybody else. On the other hand, I still care about, what they think. I shouldn’t care about that, but I do, and that’s the thing I hate the most about myself. I do want to think that I’m pretty the way that I am, but I can’t, because I don’t meet the criteria of being pretty, and this is tearing me apart inside.
I am not unhealthy. I am curvy. I have a great variety of textures on my skin. I am trying, and will continue to try to lose weight and get fitter, so I can be healthier and feel better. I will wear a bikini on the beach of Faliraki this July. I will wear shorts and skirts, because it will be boiling hot and I will not torture myself. I stop hating myself, because it’s pointless. I am smart, I am creative, I can be funny, I am healthy, I have a future, I am lucky to have a big family and be in a financial situation, where I can afford food, clothes and more than the essentials. I am finishing this post and do my daily exercise, so I can say that I’m not chubby, because I’m lazy. Kisses!