This long and messy post is about finding yourself and everything that makes it a struggle. Do you find yourself changing your taste in every few months? Realizing you really enjoy a song while it’s obviously from a genre you loathe? Always jumping into a new hobby and by the time your friends and family realizes it and swamp you with everything you need for it, you’re already over the whole thing and now you just feel pressured to continue? Having the most creative and awesome ambitions and knowing all the steps to get started towards reaching them, but then just not doing it? Having a hard time expressing yourself to people? Having around 50 books in your Goodreads’ “Want To Read” shelf, but not making a progress? Just generally feeling overwhelmed by life and your future? Yep. Me too.
It’s 2017. Even trying to process this fact makes my body to feel weird sensations. My stomach is just this coward little creature that tries to shrunk as much as it can and fears everything that’s coming and is keeping my whole physical existence in a tense, ready-to-jump state. Meanwhile, up in my brain is like an illegal techno rave in the woods. Lights are fleshing, the music takes over of your thoughts, while weird stoned people are jumping from one side of the tent to the other and you’re scared and fascinated at the same time by their dancing styles. Not to mention your skin, which feels like it’s generating some new form of renewable energy and getting goose bumps in every 10 seconds out of excitement. Just completely and utterly overwhelming.
See? I haven’t even started the topic and I already lost my train of thoughts. That is defining my every moment of my every day this month. Which is a big problem, since I have exams to study to, deadlines to meet, projects to hand in, essays to write, videos to cut, transcriptions to analyse, scientific articles to read, pitches to deliver and workshops to prepare for. Something for every day and I’m horrible in time management. Another thing is that these days I just cannot focus on anything longer than 20 seconds. It’s already a miracle that I’m writing this post, although I am writing this to procrastinate grocery shopping. Which is a form of procrastinating studying. However, it made me think about my life.
When I think about my life, the first thing I notice is how much I’ve been changing throughout the years. I always feel that I am my true self at the moment and everything before this was just being phony and superficial. So, that’s either true but then it makes me a phony right now, or I’m just being harsh on myself and it was just times of experimenting and finding myself. I am changing a lot and I am experimenting with new things all the time. I change my taste in food, clothes, music, movies, basically everything. I always have new hobbies that I can’t commit to and here we arrive to my main topic: commitment issues.
I have commitment issues. I can’t commit to a certain hobby or interest or life ambition. I want to do everything! I want to learn everything! I want to become everything! But I don’t do anything, I don’t learn anything and I’m not becoming anyone. This blog is the perfect example. I’ve been blogging since I was like 10, but I always moved to new blogs, new platforms, new names, new languages etc. I would love to be a professional blogger, because I have something to write about every day, I take photos all the time and I feel like I have what it takes. Or do I? I’m afraid. I know how to go big, but I don’t dare to, because it requires commitment. I know how to make myself heard, but then people will hear me. That’s the point where I get lost. When it’s about to get real. Real. That’s when I stop.
But why am I afraid of commitment? It takes effort and sacrifices on the long-term. It takes time to get somewhere and that requires long-term planning for the future. Future overwhelms me. So what do I do instead? Tell myself that I want to wait until I know exactly what I want to commit to and when I have all the skills that I need to achieve it.
The deal with me is that I’m interested in a wide variety of things, but instead of taking one thing at time and dive deep to explore it and learn everything about it, I’ll just stop when I think I know enough. Instead of knowing things, I know about things. Based on these two aspects, I cannot wait until I feel confident about my knowledge on a certain topic, because I might never get there.
I thought if I write down my thoughts about this I will be able to come up with a solution, but that’s not the case. What I know is that I stopped planning a while ago and I just let go. I don’t know what I’m having for dinner tonight, I don’t know when I’m going home next time, I don’t know where I’m doing my internship next year, I don’t know if I want to do a Master or not and I definitely don’t know what I’m going to do after graduation. The only thing I know is that I’m still growing and exploring myself and the world around me. I also know that it is not a bad thing to be interested in many things and to keep trying new things. I need it to find myself, find what I want to do with my life or find a way to combine everything into one big life mission. I’m getting there.
Having said all this, from February on I am returning to Globalous. I will revamp the whole blog and start posting continuously. So what’s coming in 2017?
- New logo and design
- A defined concept for the blog
- Some travel photos that I still owe you from 2016 (Chicago, Scotland)
- Many articles on self-exploration (obviously)
- Things I will like to write about (obviously)
- Still many posts about living in The Netherlands
- Anything else that you want me to write about and I feel like writing about, so feel free to write some suggetions!
I hope you will have a year filled with experiences and memorable moments and life lessons! See you in February!